Getting Older

Hump Day Humor is hosted by Mercedes at Mercedes Rocks!

Theme: Getting Older

(Just got home at 9:00 p.m. CST-aaahhhh! Tomorrow is registration for the whole school-just 2 hours-whew! I am so not ready-lol)

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Baked Beans

Hump Day Humor is hosted by Mercedes at Mercedes Rocks!

Theme: Surprises

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.

I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage…

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

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The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director, “how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.”

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

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Bruce Loves Jenny

Hump Day Humor is hosted by Mercedes at Mercedes Rocks!

Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Theme: Marriage

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

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Do You Know?

Hump Day Humor is hosted by Mercedes at Mercedes Rocks!

Theme: Cars/Automobiles/Vehicles

Do You Know?

What is a 710 knob?

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Think Before You Speak

Hump Day Humor is Hosted by Mercedes at Mercedes Rocks.

Theme: Think Before You Speak

E-mail Forward: Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back…or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did….

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New Scam

Hump Day Humor is hosted by Mercedes at Mercedes Rocks.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Theme~Scams

Police say that the gang usually is comprised of four members, one adult and three younger ones. While the three younger ones, all appearing sweet and innocent, divert their ‘mark’ (or intended target) with a show of friendliness , the fourth — the eldest — sneaks in from behind the person’s back to expertly rifle through his or her pocket or purse for any valuables.

Be on the alert!!

Click Read More to see a photo from a recent attack that was captured on film.

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The Dawne Key Diet

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Hump Day Humor Sixteenth Edition: Theme~Diets/Dieting

The Dawn Keye Diet

This really works….A friend of mine, who is a nurse talked to me about the Atkins Diet, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, & the latest of course, The South Beach Diet. Since she is a nurse, & has done a lot of study & research on dieting, I truly think she has found the real answer to weight loss:

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Why? Why? Why?

Hump Day Humor is hosted by Mercedes at Mercedes Rocks!

Hump Day Humor Fourteenth Edition: Theme~Ponderisms/Ponderings

Why? Why? Why?

  • Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
  • Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough money?
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

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Can You Solve This Puzzle?

Can you solve this puzzle?

You are riding on a beautiful white horse. On your left side is a drop off. On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion. In front of you are four large gazelles that won’t get out of your way and you can’t seem to overtake them. Behind you is a stampede of horses.

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You Might Be a School Employee If…

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Hump Day Humor Thirteenth Edition

Theme: School Employees

You Might Be a School Employee If…

  • YOU might be a school employee if you believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.
  • YOU might be a school employee if you want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off.

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When the Parents Are Gone

When the parents are gone, the dogs will play.

This reminds me of the black lab, Chloe, I once had.

Click here to watch the video-you will need Media Player (I believe) to watch it.

Come on back and let me know what you think!

I am having a little technical difficulties with this-will try to get to work later.

Anyone know how to add a media player video by chance?

Dog Philosophy

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Scattergories

SCATTERGORIES

  • It’s harder than it looks! Copy and paste into a new comment or post.
  • Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following…
  • They have to be real places, names, things…nothing made up!
  • Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. (WHICH BY THE WAY IS HARD IF YOU ALREADY READ THEIR ANSWERS)
  • You CAN’T use your name for the boy/girl

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Don’t Yell Across the House

Dog Tricks

This is really cute (email forward). Tell him to sneeze and see what he does! Love it! I have no idea how they do this: Make sure your volume is turned on and TYPE IN a command and see what happens… sit, roll over, down, stand, sing, dance, shake, fetch, play dead etc. and… it’s also very cute if you type in a command that’s not recognized! Make sure you type in ‘Kiss’ too, but do it last.

Rusty, this looks like you. I bet you can do these tricks too!

Click here: I Do Dog Tricks to play. Come on back and let me know what you think!

De-Stressers

Hump Day Humor is hosted by Mercedes at Mercedes Rocks.

Hump Day Humor Twelfth Edition

Theme: Cartoons (anything)

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God Wants Me To Tell You…

My Mom sent this to me on Saturday

GOD WANTS ME TO TELL YOU….

Everything that is going wrong in your life today shall be well with you
this year. You have been destined to make it and you shall surely achieve
all your goals this year. For the remaining months of this year (2008),
all your agonies will be diverted and victory and prosperity will be
incoming in abundance. Today God has confirmed the end of your sufferings,
sorrows, and pains because HE that sits on the throne has remembered you.
He has taken away the hardships and given you JOY. He will never let you down.
I knocked at heaven’s door this morning, God asked me… My child! What
can I do for you? And I said, ‘Father, please protect and bless the person
reading this message’… God smiled and answered… Request granted.

So now I am passing it on to you 🙂

p.s. I go to pick up my baby, Patch today.

We had him cremated with one of his babies and we will be keeping his ashes.

Why God Made Moms

Hump Day Humor is hosted by Mercedes at Mercedes Rocks!

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:


Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

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Funny Pets

My post fits Hump Day Humor & Wordless Wednesday (with a few words-oops).

Hump Day Humor Tenth Edition~Theme: Pets

Check out Hump Day Humor hosted by ME at Mercedes Rocks.

Check out Wordless Wednesday hosted at Wordless Wednesday.

EMAIL FORWARD

Is that you Rusty? Oh no it isn’t. I saw the “real you” in a car seat already-lol!

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S is for Survivor

Hump Day Humor Ninth Edition

Theme: Teachers

Hump Day Humor is hosted by ME at Mercedes Rocks. Please go here to participate and view more participants posts!

The Next “Survivor”?

Have you heard about the next planned “Survivor” show?

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Hump Day Humor Seventh Edition

Theme: Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road

This meme is hosted by Mercedes at Mercedes Rocks

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL : “The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on ‘THIS’ side of the road before it goes after the problem on the ‘OTHER SIDE’ of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his ‘CURRENT’ problems before adding ‘NEW’ problems “.

OPRAH: “Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens”.

GEORGE W. BUSH: “We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here”.

COLIN POWELL: “Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road… “

ANDERSON COOPER – CNN: “We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road”.

JOHN KERRY: “Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it”.

NANCY GRACE: “That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks”.

PAT BUCHANAN: “To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American”.

MARTHA STEWART: “No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information”.

DR SEUSS: “Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told”.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: “To die in the rain. Alone”.

JERRY FALWELL: “Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side’. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that”.

GRANDPA: “In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough”.

BARBARA WALTERS: “Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road”.

JOHN LENNON: “Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace”.



ARISTOTLE: “It is the nature of chickens to cross the road”.

BILL GATES: “I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra…#@&&^(C% …….. reboot”.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: “Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken”.

BILL CLINTON: “I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken”.

AL GORE: “I invented the chicken”!

COLONEL SANDERS: “Did I miss one”?

DICK CHENEY: “Where’s my gun”?

AL SHARPTON: “Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens. “

HILARY CLINTON: ” I have vast experience with chickens and if elected, I will ensure that EVERY chicken has the ability to cross any road they desire”.

To play along and view other participants, please go to Mercedes Rocks!

Memes: If you like to play, I am hosting two new memes (Scrumptious Sunday & Hump Day Humor) at my other site: Mercedes Rocks. These have finally been added to The Daily Meme! Woohoo! Please come on over and check it out! I would love to have you participate! Thanks!

Blog of the Week: PLEASE visit my Spotlight Blog of the Week. Remember~You might be the Blog of the Week one week! )

B is for Birds & Bees

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This meme is hosted by Mercedes at Mercedes Rocks

Theme for Hump Day Humor

Sixth Edition

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

~Out of the Mouths of Babes~

Birds & Bees

Email Forward

A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block”? Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat”.

”What’s that mean”? asked the child.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage”.

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you”.

Dad said, “Bring Belle over here”. He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
“OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block”.

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle”?

( YOU’RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )

The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home”.

If you ain’t laffin’..
You ain’t livin’!

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Memes: If you like to play, I am hosting two new memes (Scrumptious Sunday & Hump Day Humor) at my other site: Mercedes Rocks. These have finally been added to The Daily Meme! Woohoo! Please come on over and check it out! I would love to have you participate! Thanks!

Blog of the Week: Please visit my Spotlight Blog of the Week. You might be the Blog of the Week one week! )

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Balloon Fashion

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WORDLESS WEDNESDAY #4

BALLOON FASHION

(edit: email forward)

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Woman’s Week at the Gym

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Theme for Hump Day Humor Third Edition
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
~Exercise/At the Gym~

Woman’s Week at the Gym

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond hair,dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!


TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It’s a whole new life for me.


WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.


THURSDAY :

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.


FRIDAY :

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


SATURDAY :

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


SUNDAY :
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

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