Letter of Thanks

       

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Dear All,
 
My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year……..
 
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about cockroach eggs in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
 
Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
 

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown), who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
 
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
 
Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died. 
 
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.
 
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
 
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
 
Because of your kind concern, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
 
I no longer can buy gas without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
 
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
 
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
 
Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but my own because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my ass.
 
And thanks to your great advice, I can’t even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
 
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.
 
By the way….a South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has  discovered that people with low IQ’s and who have infrequent sexual activity always  read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

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5 Responses

  1. ROFL ROFL ROFL

    You crack me up! LYMI!

  2. Scout Dog,

    I just found out I have a low IQ. I swear my daughter thinks exactly as what you have written. You should meet her, you would like her. I guess great minds think alike. 🙂

    Yes~I have a low IQ too-lol! Cool: your daughter and I thinking alike with our great minds! WOOF!

  3. Verrry funny!! LOL!!! 😀

    Ha-ha!

  4. LOL!!!!! I had my hand on the mouse-hahahaha. This was hilarious.

    I did too!

  5. What a hoot! Those of us who frequent the internet have received at least a few of those unscrupulous emails. Thank goodness for SNOPES, 2008 will find me less gullible!

    Yes! I found out about Snopes at the beginning of last summer and I am always replying to emails with a link to Snopes. It’s great!

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